Pete Humus


Pete is a very contemplative dude, so much so that the doctors have diagnosed him as suffering from a condition known as “contemplatus aggravitus”. It seems that Pete can’t perform the smallest mundane action without intensely contemplative analysis of every tiny facet of it. Pete spends two hours brushing his teeth because the precise number of vertical and horizontal strokes must be pre-planned and balanced in his mind beforehand. Pete must calculate the exact thread count of each item of clothing he wears before he puts it on. At meal time he must contemplate the weight and ratio of carbs, fats, and proteins of each morsel before he puts it in his mouth. Even his one acquired pleasure, smoking cigars, is a lengthy, arduous process because before lighting up he must contemplate the ring gauge, length of the ash, the cultivation of the tobacco plant, and the packaging and marketing of the delicacy he’s about enjoy. This phobic condition has plagued Pete from the earliest period of his life as evidenced by the fact he was three months overdue and his poor mother was in labor for six days because the embryonic Pete was contemplating whether to be born or not. Needless to say Pete doesn’t get much done in a twenty four hour day and all of this excess scrutiny is obviously taking its toll on the gaunt Pete. It would appear that Pete’s problem isn’t that he doesn’t “take time to smell the roses” but that he takes too much time!


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